My first round of testing required nearly two dozen vials of blood, which could wipe you out for the day—so Function splits it into two separate appointments scheduled a week apart. On my second visit, the phlebotomist noticed I was starting to look pale and assured me fewer vials would be taken than the first time. When I left, fainting risk averted, she admitted she had lied. Still, by the time my results started rolling in a few days later, I had forgotten all about my sore arm. They arrived over the course of a week, during which I refreshed my Function Health portal constantly. Each time a measure was off, I dramatically declared that I was dying, and then proceeded to Google every possible explanation, working myself into a stupor.
During our interview, Hyman and I talked through my test results, which calmed my anxiety. (This one-on-one time isn’t customary for Function’s members, who typically receive insights without any one clinician’s name attached.) In total, 20 of my biomarkers were out of range, and 85 were normal. I learned, for example, that my thyroglobulin antibodies (TgAb) were above range—“low-grade Hashimoto’s,” Hyman speculated after reviewing my results—and that I had ketones and “many” calcium oxalate crystals in my urine. Two liver metrics, alanine transaminase and gamma-glutamyl transferase, were elevated. If he were my doctor, “I would say, ‘Oh, your liver tests are elevated—why is that?’” Hyman told me. “I would ask you a bunch of questions, like ‘Do you drink a lot?’” I don’t—but until recently, I would pop a Tylenol any time I felt even the slightest twinge of a headache setting in, which happened almost every day. Taking too much acetaminophen, Hyman cautioned me, is the most common cause of acute liver failure in the U.S. He appeared pleased that I had gone cold turkey after receiving my results, and I was relieved that I had found out I needed to make a change. (For what it’s worth, this probably wouldn’t have registered on a primary care provider’s annual blood panel, and there’s no way I would have brought up my Tylenol habit unprompted.)
